Here I am again!

Back in the same situation I have been for 3 years.

This time a cycle no one knew about. I am sick of hurting my family. I hate seeing Max sad it just breaks my heart. I hate feeling like a failure.

Another cycle failed!

This time I did something completely new and different for me. I am an expert at IVF but this time I decided maybe mix things up a bit and try IUI. Intrauterine insemination.

I have been so good in the lead up to this. Focusing on warm foods for a warm environment being my uterus, no alcohol, taking an antioxidant daily to help with cell health, as well as a probiotic to help with gut health. Trying to create at least one good egg so it could be fertilised.

So for this cycle I may be muddled in my explanations as it still confuses me a little bit.

IUI is the closest thing to a natural conception with the help of a fertility specialist.

You can either do a natural cycle with no medications or a low dose stim cycle which has better success rates. The success rates for IUI for someone my age is only 10-20% chance of me falling pregnant. But that 10-20% chance for me was hope. I have tried IVF and while I have had success in getting pregnant I also miscarry so this was my way of praying IUI might have been for me, it wasn’t.

After my last laparoscopy I went into my IUI cycle nice and clean inside, endometriosis removed, and feeling fresh.

I had left over meds of Menopur, my follicle stimulation hormone which I was injecting daily of 75units. Having scans with Kee to make sure I only had ❤ follicles. Anymore than 3 they cancel your cycle. I guess because of multiple births.

When starting IVF cycles everyone has different amounts of follicles on a day 2 scan. A few things dependant. One being AMH- the amount of eggs we store as Women from birth. Pretty crazy to think we are born with the amount of eggs we will ever create in our lives. My AMH is reasonable for my age.

So I started stims on cycle day 3. I was good to go after getting the all clear from Kee. So I started my daily injections. I went in for a scan on cycle day 9. My follicles I had 6 but of varying sizes. Which was ok because I only had 3 leading ones. So again got the go ahead to keep stimulating.

In a natural cycle I generally ovulate around day 14-15! Which this is the part that confuses me. On day 9 I still wasn’t any where near ovulating. I was so confused and kept having so many second thoughts about doing IUI.

Should I cancel?

How can my body not be nearly ovulating?

What is happening!

I was just so confused.

I knew nothing about IUI and couldn’t understand the low numbers in my bloods when I am so use to high levels of estrogen. I felt like my body wasn’t even doing the job it was meant to. Again I had to be reassured that big numbers would have meant a failed cycle and my numbers were exactly where they needed to be.

I put all my trust and faith in Kee as I always do and again he came through with so much support and guidance. The man is my hero! Some days I honestly don’t know how he puts up with me but I’m so glad he does.

After my mini meltdown and relying on Kee I again kept injections up daily. Finally after close monitoring of regular bloods and scans my body was ready to ovulate. I triggered with ovidrel and then my body was doing what it should and ovulating and preparing for the insemination.

As we all know now a woman gets pregnant during ovulation. As this is when the egg is released and the egg and the sperm meet. And so begins the story of creating an embryo which then in turns creates a baby.

I went in for my first insemination.

Again it’s similar to an embryo transfer. We lay there in stirrups while a catheter carefully places the sperm into the right spot.

I had 14million sperm injected in to me. 14 million!!

Who even knew men created that much 😱

Once insemination takes place we have to lay there with our legs in the air for 20minutes. Very different again to what I’m use to.

Like always I name my cycles, this was no different. This cycle I named Taddy. Little tadpoles swimming around.

So Max and I layed there hoping the 14million sperm were meeting an egg. Little Taddy was doing its job in finding an egg.

Then again you go home to wait and see if it works. Normally I am use to a 2 week wait of torture, IUI is 3 weeks. 3 weeks of mental games.

In IVF we skip the egg meeting the sperm part. When we have our eggs collected the lab does thy job for us. So again trying to get the timeline of what was happening in my body was critical in the process of IUI.

Guessing every symptom and what it may mean, thinking about what our baby will look like, the dreams of a future with a baby in it. Hoping, wishing, praying that this would be it!

Again it’s not meant to be.

Today I am 13 days post IUI and today my body let me down. AGAIN!

During the wait I tested 7 days post and got a positive. I quietly was excited. But still knew it was only day 1 I had to see that line get darker.

The following day I was scared. So I didn’t test until 2 days later.

My heart shattered when I saw the stick. The line had faded. I hated myself so much for putting myself through this, I hated this journey, I hated life. I just wished it was our time. It wasn’t. Why did I again put myself through this in testing, getting my hopes up, only to have them shattered. AGAIN!

Seeing a line there you get a glimmer of hope. The realisation that this may be your time. Watching that line slowly fade away is like ripping someone’s heart out. Watching a dream disappear slowly.

Yesterday I decided to test just to make sure I didn’t have a faulty test. But nope, a stark white stick staring back at me. Your whole world just crumbles knowing another month and no step closer to a baby.

1047 days of trying.

154 weeks.

35 months.

This journey is so cruel and so bloody hard. I don’t understand it.

We would make great parents so why is it telling me we won’t?

Why isn’t my body giving me what all women deserve?

Why does my body hate me so much?

I just don’t understand it. This for me was cycle number 14!

Again I wonder how much more can I take?

I can’t give up now. No way. I have come so far and so close to my dream.

Somewhere inside I have to draw that strength again to keep going. From somewhere inside I need to find the fight. The will to want to keep going.

I know I have so much support around me in Kee and Max and for this is I am forever grateful.

Today I mourn again.

Hug Max, cry, and cry some more for many dreams lost.

The loss of a baby that stopped growing.

Another one!

Tomorrow I get back on in life.

Because life waits for no one.

Mentally I’m exhausted, physically I’m hurting but somewhere I need to find inner strength.

I hate my body. I hate it for continually letting me down.

When will this journey be over? When will I be blessed with a baby.

Again I don’t think 2018 will be my year. Just like 2017 wasn’t, 2016 wasn’t either and neither was 2015!

Back on the IVF wagon I am.

Hoping, praying, wishing that cycle 15 will be my time.

Is IVF number 15 what I need?

So many questions, thoughts, ideas run through my head. Why me, why us?

All I want to know I why is it so frigging hard?

Back to Kee I go. If anything is good about this journey it’s spending time with him.

What tricks does he have up his sleeve for me now?

Who knows.

All I do know is I think I’ve had my fair share of hard luck and maybe something needs to go my way.

3 thoughts on “Taddy

  1. Sam and Max, there is nothing I can say that you haven’t heard before but please know that I am always sending you love and light. Your strength convinces me that I cannot give up xxxxx


  2. My heart breaks for you both. I wasn’t able to go as far as you, due to finances. Hope is an amazing and horrible thing at the same time. We cling to hope, when that is all we have and hope crushes us so bad when it doesn’t work. Double edged sword!
    I still have the same thoughts and dreams as you do, I’m sorry to say. Realising and admitting you have a good life, without a baby, is hard and guilt ridden. But life is good and I am blessed in a lot of ways.
    You and Max are blessed as well. Stay strong, love each other and do what is best for you both.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s