Our continually growing embryos. Little Maysmie. After Max’s Mum.
I have 5 weeks left of this pregnancy and I can’t even believe that I am this far along. My last blog I wrote back in July. What a few months it’s been since then and people ask me what has been happening and to update.
So here we go!
What started out as a pregnancy with so much morning sickness and light headedness and many long days in bed feeling quite sorry for myself turned into a lovely 14-20weeks that I got to enjoy.
Every thing was going along smoothly. All scans were great, babies always measuring a day or so in advance and perfect with everything else.
We went for our 24 week scan a few days early. At this scan we lay there for 2 hours. All structures were perfect on both babies and everything as it should be. We got to the end of the scan and the lovely Bec checked my cervix as they always do. I knew something wasn’t right when Bec said, I think I’m just going to have a chat with Dr Nasser and see what he thinks. I’ll be back!
Max and I sat and waited….. and waited….
Dr Nasser came in and he did the internal scan and explained to us that my cervix was only closed 2.1cm. So while nothing extremely dangerous I had to go home and take it easy and rest up and get re checked in 4 days time.
It was so scary to hear that my body was again wanting to fail me. I knew at 24 weeks it was way to early to meet our babies and everything I had been through flashed before me. How could this even be?! Why could this be?! Max and I just cried at the thought of what could happen. But we went home and we rested.
Tuesday came along and back we went for the re scan. Worse case scenario I was heading to hospital, best case I was heading back home and probably being put on bed rest. I knew at that point I was beyond a cervical stitch. A stitch they only do before 20 weeks otherwise it could put me into labour which is what we don’t want, or it could stop labour if it was going to happen and cause trauma to me, which we also don’t want.
So the scan took place. I was watching Dr Nassers face for any sign of a give away. His face dropped. We knew it wasn’t going to be good news we were receiving. In all honesty why would it be when over the last 6 years we hadn’t received very much good news. My cervix had gone from 2.1cm closed to 1cm closed. Aside from the opening funneling was starting to happen and the membrane was starting to come through. Off to hospital I was taken.
What we were staring at was being 24weeks pregnant, my body preparing to give birth at any moment, pre term babies who would spend a lot of time in NICU, a low survival rate although they say it’s better now than ever, long term health affects on the body which would be unknown until they were born, potentially being flown to Brisbane or Townsville if no bed were available here on the Gold Coast and being away from family, and having twins who were only 1 pound each at that time. We knew they weren’t ready but my body was suggesting otherwise.
As soon as we arrived at Pindara Hospital Dr Hassan made sure I had steroid injections at least hoping that if I did give birth a dose of steroids would help boost their little lungs.
I didn’t sleep that night. Max didn’t sleep that night. And Dr Hassan didn’t sleep that night.
But when the sun appeared the next day I was so happy. Happy that an extra 24 hours inside me, meant 24 hours less in NICU.
And then started my count on hospital. On strict bed rest. Only to go to the toilet and every 2nd day I was allowed a shower. Apart from that- in bed I must stay. I knew how important it was to stay in bed. Every 24hours meant so much to the babies for their growth and development and so much to Max and I.
Little did I know at that time what we were really facing.
As each day went past we would celebrate.
As each week went past it was an even bigger celebration.
24 weeks, 25 weeks, 26 weeks…. 27, 28, 29, 30, 31…..
How was it even possible that I was still here and the babies were still inside?
I had mostly good days. But I had some very dark days. Not sure of how I could keep going. How could I possibly get through another day.
I had thoughts I never wanted to think. Depressive thoughts. I felt sorry for myself and I hated why this was happening. I hated my body. I hated pregnancy. I hated people visiting me.
I spent 50 days in hospital. 7 weeks!
At the 50th day I was so down. So sad. I cried myself to sleep the night before and I woke up still crying in the morning.
Dr Hassan came to visit me, like she did every day. I cried and said I can’t do this anymore. I need to go home.
I could see the disappointment in her eyes. I was so close to coming home. In 10 more days I would have been allowed anyway. I knew by me going home it was going against medical advice, but I just had to.
To sit in a hospital room and cry and hyperventilate to the point of getting myself so worked up that I wanted to do anything to make this pregnancy end, I knew that was not normal. I’d worked so hard to get this far. How could I get myself out of thinking like that? I wasn’t sure.
There was no way I was going to hurt these babies. But I couldn’t do it. I felt like a terrible Mother. How could I cope with twins when I couldn’t even cope before they were born? How could I get myself out of this rut. I couldn’t see any positive to all the negative I was thinking. The days were long, the nights even longer and they were the times I was thinking too much.
So against medical advice, I came home.
I was 31+2 pregnant and knew I was almost at the 32 week mark which is where I wanted to get my whole pregnancy. At 32 weeks I knew I would be able to have my babies at Pindara Hospital and to have Dr Hassan there with me, guiding me, holding my hand, and safely delivering these babies into this world. To even think I was at this point was something I had never imagined at 24 weeks.
So home we went. To do exactly what I was doing in hospital. Laying in bed. Another dose of steroids were given to me prior to me leaving, just in case.
That night I didn’t sleep. And I know Dr Hassan didn’t either.
Now I am 32 weeks and still here. No changes, no signs of babies, no different to what I was doing in hospital. At that magical 32 week mark and in the comfort of my own home. Anything now beyond this is a bonus.
So now we wait…..
We wait for labour
Or we wait for our booked c section date.
I can’t believe in less than 5 weeks time our precious cargo will be here.
After 6 long and painful years they will finally be here.
Being at home I appreciate everything I have. I look and see how lucky I have been. I praise my body for the first time in years- for actually doing something good. For keeping these babies safe another 8 weeks.
8 weeks! That is soooo important to them.
I look and I can almost see the finish line.
I think about the excitement I will feel. Or will I? What emotions will overcome me, if any? What will they look like? How will their health be?
I just think how bloody lucky I am.
The feelings of being depressed have gone. The feelings of being sad have gone. The feelings of wanting to hurt my body have gone.
I am now excited, scared & nervous. Will I be a good Mother? Will the birthing goes as planned? Although not many do go as planned. Will I get to hold them when they are born before they are taken to special care?
So many thoughts.
But for now….
We wait for their arrival.
And I’m so proud of them for what we have all achieved together.
They are the strongest little humans I am yet to meet.
1 last milestone….
Bringing them into this world safely.
We got this babies
And I know Dr Hassan is the right woman to do it.
Not long now my precious little beings.